Week 12...The final full week!

This week we discussed blended families and divorce. Erik Erikson has a theory of stages of life that we all go through. The last two stages are what we mostly discussed. The Mid-life stage is Generativity vs. Stagnation. In our "old-age" we reach the final stage, Integration vs. Despair. With these stages we have some "issues" that we go through. Some of the issues that we discussed were, heath declining, "Sandwich" generation, money, depression, appearance, death, empty nest, marital issues. There are positives and negatives to all of these. The one that I would like to talk about the most is the "sandwich" generation. This is where you are at the age where you have children but you are also taking care of your parents/grandparents that are elderly. Although Jared is only 27 and we only have one child, I kind of feel like he has a taste of this already. He is helping his parents constantly and always finding ways to serve them. This is one of the things I love most about him. One of his biggest concerns about moving to the east coast of Canada is that his parents will be across the country, and he won't be able to help them as much as they need.

Week 11

This week we discussed fathers being involved in their children's lives and how it affects them, and needs. I would like to discuss needs in this post. My professor quoted someone in saying, "You can never get enough of what you don't need, because what you don't need can not satisfy you." Parents responses should be needs based, not behavior based. There are five needs that Michael Popkin talks about in his book, "Active teens". The first is contact and belonging; The second is power; Third is protection. Fourth is withdrawal, and fifth challenge. Everyone needs some of each of these needs. The most common need is contact and belonging. So I'm going to mostly talk about that. If your child is misbehaving, a lot of the time it is because they are not getting enough contact and belonging. A way to help your child with this need is to offer affection freely and have them contribute. You can offer affection freely by doing things as simple as giving them a hug or patting them on the back. By asking them to do chores or choose what to have for dinner it helps them to feel like they are a part of the family and they belong. It's a necessity for children to have contact and feel like they belong.

Week 10

This week we discussed history of work and money management. Elder Marvin J. Ashton has a guide to family finance called "One for the Money". In this guide he gave 12 'steps' to being successful in money management. He said, "May I at this time hasten to emphasize the face that [these] marriage tragedies are not caused simply by lack of money, but rather by the mismanagement of personal finances." In other words, it doesn't matter how much money we make if we can't manage it we will not be successful.
The steps are:
1. Pay an honest tithe:

•  1/10 of our increase-what do you consider an increase? 
• "Paying tithing promptly to Him who does not come to check up each month will teach us and our children to be more honest with those physically closer at hand."

2. Learn to manage money before it manages you:

• Self-management, have self-control over your spending.
• Debt=Bondage!
• "Financial peace of mind is not determined by how much we make, but is dependent upon how much we spend."

3. Learn self discipline and self-restraint in money matter:

• Use the debt-elimination calender. 
• "Married couples show genuine maturity when they think of their partner's and their family's needs ahead of their own spending impulses."

4. Use a budget:

• Plan ahead
• "Liquid savings available for emergencies should be sufficient to cover at least three months of all essential family obligations."

5. Teach family members early the importance of working and earning:

• "One of the greatest favors parents can do for their children is to teach them to work."

6. Teach children to make money decisions in keeping with their capacities to comprehend:

• "Family unity comes from saving together for a common, jointly approved purpose."

7. Teach each family member to contribute to the total family welfare:

• "As children mature, they should understand the family financial position, budget and investment goals, and their individual responsibility within the family.

8. Make education a continuing process:

• "Periods of unexpected unemployment can happen to anyone. We should not allow ourselves, when we are out of work, to sit back and wait for 'our type of job' if other honorable interim employment becomes available."

9. Work toward home ownership:

• "Buy the type of home your income will support. Improve the home and beautify the landscape throughout the period you occupy the premises so that if you do sell it, you can use the accumulated equity and potential capital gain to acquire a home more suitable to family needs."

10. Appropriately involve yourself in an insurance program:

• "It is most important to have sufficient medical, automobile, and homeowner's insurance and ad adequate life insurance program. Costs associated with illness, accident, and death may be so large that uninsured families can be financially burdened for many years."

11. Understand the influence of external forces on family finances and investments:

• "Beyond the emergency liquid savings, families should plan for and utilize a wise investment program preparing for financial security, possible disability, and retirement."

12. Appropriately involve yourself in a food storage and emergency preparedness program:

• "Accumulate your basic food storage and emergency supplies in a systematic and orderly way. Avoid going into debt for these purposes."

I believe that if we do what Elder Ashton has said and follow these steps, financially we will be okay. I know that I do some of these already and it has proven to have helped us. I think the first four are the most important for our situation right now. 

Week 9

This week we talked a lot about communications and how families solve problems. It was interesting to me to discuss this and think about how my family solved problems growing up. Some things that we discussed about communication is:
It occurs ALL the time. We cannot not communicate. We communicate through our facial expressions, our body gestures, our words, our tone, etc. It requires an exchange of shared meanings. It's not enough to just exchange verbal sounds or written symbols. Communication occurs through three channels- words, tone, non-verbal. Only 14% of our communication is through words, 35% through tone, and 51% through non-verbal. Isn't that crazy? 51% through non-verbal! In other words, make sure you are not saying one thing with words but saying something else non-verbally. Think about a conversation you've had recently with someone. How much of that conversation did you get through facial expressions, body language, or tone? When I think about it, I realize that I get most of the conversation from feedback and body language. If a person isn't really responding or paying attention why would I want to sit basically have a conversation with myself? I wouldn't. Since having this discussion I've been trying to really pay attention to what I'm saying non-verbally when I'm talking with someone. Hopefully I've improved.

Week 8

This week we discussed stress. Unfortunately myself and my baby (Hayden) have a viral infection, so I wasn't able to attend today's class about coping with stress. We discussed the stress model which is:
A- stressors and hardships
B- management of stress
C- family's definition of situation
X- outcome (could be long term)

When a stress or hardship occurs in the family each family member can define it differently, therefore cope with it differently. How you manage and define the stressor determines the outcome. We can decide to manage and define a stressor in a more positive light and the outcome would be more positive.

Week 7

Warning: This post will discuss things that may not be too appropriate for children.

This week we discussed sexual intimacy. We discussed what the reasons behind sexual intimacy are. Which are, initiate parenthood, strengthen marriage relations, and symbol of unity. We also discussed what needs to happen in intimacy. In 1 Corinthian 7:1-7 it says that we're all entitled to kindess- due benevolence. My professor said, "As you're carefully attending to each other's needs, that's the best kind of love making there is." Sexual intimacy is one of two main reason people get divorced. Couples are not focusing on each others needs like they should, which can lead to a lot of problems. I can see how this could be a problem in any facets of life. If we always feel like our spouse is only focusing on themselves and thinking of their wants and needs it could be easy to be offended or hurt by this.
We also discussed what we would like to teach our children. Some of the things that I would like to teach our children would be 1. What their bodies are about (bodily responses). 2. When it's appropriate. 3. How children are created. 4. That it's sacred.

Week 6

This week we discussed transitions in marriage. It reminded me of the transitions that I experienced when I got married. There are lots of transitions in marriage. The biggest and hardest transition that I dealt with was dealing with the adjustment of being alone. I grew up with five siblings, so there was always a lot going on in our house and I was rarely home alone. Once I got married there was only the two of us. So when my husband would be at work I would be at home alone and bored out of my mind. My husband worked A LOT and would have to work until 1 or so in the morning. I also grew up in a town where my whole extended family lived and we were all really close. My husband and I lived in Rexburg for the first year of our marriage and neither of us have any family living in Rexburg or even close to Rexburg. It was a HUGE adjustment to be home alone most of the time and not having any family near. I learned that I really had to keep myself busy and cling to my husband. Because I got so used to only having my husband (and friends) around, even now three years later I find myself still depending on my husband not my family anymore. I think this helped me to learn to depend on my husband and not my parents and family.

Week 5

This week we discussed different types of love and what types to look for when dating. This was really interesting to me to see how the different types of love are in a marriage.
The different types are:
Storge= parent/child love, sacrifice, nurturing, protect.
Philia= friendship/"brotherly" love, two-way
Eros= Romantic, passionate, more intimate
Agape= unconditional, charitable, Savior

I realized that each of these types of love are in a marriage relationship. In my marriage I have this sense of wanting to protect, and sacrifice for my husband; I also have a friendship with my husband; and of course there's a romantic side to our relationship; I think the one that I sometimes struggle with is unconditional. Although I always love my husband, I know that I need to be better about having that REAL constant unconditional love towards him all the time. Let's be honest, loving someone as the Savior did/does isn't going to always come easy. I think that's something that comes with time and work and practice. I also think that when you have Agape type love and Philia type love the Eros love will come naturally. When you feel so close and so in love with someone you're going to naturally feel more attracted to them.

Week 4

This week we discussed same sex attraction. I would like to try to write about what we learned, but I know it's going to be difficult to put it into a one way written form, rather than discussion, but I'll do my best. I'll try not to be confusing. I'll start out by telling you the definitions for some terms that are often used when discussing this topic.
Same sex attraction= Non-erotic attraction, desire for intimacy with same gender.
Homosexual= attraction which is eroticized, but may not be acted upon.
Gay= acted upon and espoused as an identity or lifestyle.

Now that we've got the definition for those terms defined, I can move forward. The theory that my teacher taught us that he learned from training is basically that when a person has same sex attraction it turns into homosexuality which leads to being gay. When children are little they want to be accepted by kids their same gender, but if they're not, it can lead to being gay. For example, If a boy has more 'feminine' traits or likes more 'feminine' things he is sometimes made fun of and not accepted by his gender. So that boy begins to spend more time with girls or by himself. When he finally gets that time to be accepted or close to a boy he feels these excited feelings. He's excited because he's finally getting that connection to his gender that he's wanted. These feelings are then thought to become homosexual by society because society makes them believe that having those feelings can only mean they're homosexual. By them feeling that they're homosexual leads them to act upon it and 'become' gay. Is any of this making sense? So all of it isn't about sex, it's about being "intimate" and having a close relationship with same gender. There are a lot of influences and factors that can cause a person to think they're homosexual.

I thought this discussion was very interesting. It makes a lot of sense to me, and I hope that the way I explained it made sense to anyone who reads this. There's a lot more in depth discussion that can happen with this, but it's hard to explain it all on a blog.

Week 3

Something that we discussed this week that I thought was intriguing was when we discussed cultural diversity in family systems. Every aspect of your culture can influence how you think, act, learn, etc. Cultural diversity can be the basis of how you are reared. It can be the difference between how your family acts and how the "neighbors" act. It will change how you react towards people from other cultures. You could live in the same town, but still have a different cultural diversity from someone else in the same town. Culture can be defined as values, rules, customs, beliefs, practices, habits, combination of attitudes and behaviors. I thought it was really interesting how we discussed that you can choose the 'type' of culture you raise your children in. You can choose what values, beliefs, and attitudes you teach your children. There are some outside forces that will teach them things that you don't want them learning, but you have the power to choose what type of culture is developed within your home.

Family Relations catch-up

I've been asked to do a blog for my FAML 160 class about something we learned that week and some insights we have had. So I have been a little behind in my weekly updates. I can honestly say that life has been a little crazy this semester. So far I have learned quite a bit in my classes though. I thought I would just do a quick catch up on some of the things I have learned in my FAML 160 class so far in this post. From here on, I will be doing a weekly update, like I'm supposed to be doing. :)

Introduction week:
I was only able to attend the Thursday class this week because I wasn't added to the class until later. That day we were required to read the talk given by Elder Dallin H. Oaks, "The Challenge to Become". In his talk he spoke about how Christ has challenged us to 'become' something. He spoke about how the final judgement won't be so much based on good and evil and it will be based on what we have done.

"It is an acknowledgment of the final effect of our acts and thoughts—what we have become. It is not enough for anyone just to go through the motions. The commandments, ordinances, and covenants of the gospel are not a list of deposits required to be made in some heavenly account. The gospel of Jesus Christ is a plan that shows us how to become what our Heavenly Father desires us to become."

Like he was describing, it's not enough to just go through the motions and just do what we're told. It's about why we do those things and how our heart is changed. Are we truly converted? Are we really trying to BECOME like Christ? Those are the type of questions we need to be asking ourselves.

Week 1:
This week I was only able to attend on Tuesday because I had my baby on Thursday. But, on Tuesday we were required to read about research methods and cautions. In this class discussion I thought it was interesting how many different ways there are to do research and how most of them are not very reliable sources. It's good to find out what cautions we need to take, so we don't just believe everything that we read or see because it's considered "science". We need to be careful when we are making a decision about something based on research that it's an informed decision and we don't base our decision solely on the research that is "100%" guaranteed.

Week 2:
This week I was also only able to attend on Tuesday because my son was circumcised on Thursday. Hopefully I'll be able to attend everyday for the rest of the semester. I feel like I have really missed out on a lot of good discussions and opportunities to learn so far. This week I thought it was really interesting to learn about the 'family systems'. I thought the discussion about boundaries was especially interesting and made me think about what kind of boundaries I want to have in my own family. I know that I want my husband and I to be one boundary and then us and our children to be a separate boundary. I want to have clear boundaries set up for each other and our children. I think it's important for your children to know the boundaries you have set up in your family so that there is no confusion as to the roles in the family. I also want to have clear set up rules, which I'm sure will change as life changes, but I think it's important to be consistent in keeping up with certain rules.

Well I think I'm all caught up now. I will be making a weekly update each week from now on.